


i love you, ain't the the worst thing you ever heard

by spilborghs (carebearstare)



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Angst, Colorado Rockies, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-14 23:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20608946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carebearstare/pseuds/spilborghs
Summary: Nolan doesn’t look at him as he gets into the car, just rubs forcefully at his eyes before slamming the passenger’s side door.





	i love you, ain't the the worst thing you ever heard

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back with another rockies fic that no one wanted.
> 
> this is set in the early summer of 2015, before my life was ruined. /end dramatics
> 
> this certainly isn't a literary masterpiece like the song that inspired it, but after listening to cruel summer on repeat i just had to, which means it's speed written and unbetaed.

“Nolan?” 

Nolan doesn’t look at him as he gets into the car, just rubs forcefully at his eyes before slamming the passenger’s side door.

“Just, shut up and drive, okay?”

DJ looks at him for a few moments before sighing, finally turning to do just as he was asked. He’s grateful that he does, he can only stare out the window in front of him for so long without feeling like he’s going to cry. 

Once DJ slowly pulls out of the alley of the apartment complex and onto the street, it’s, well. It’s a tense, quiet ride. Not because of anything DJ’s done, but because he can’t get the last hour out of his stupid fucking head. He wants to, _ god he does_, but he just. He can’t. 

Not with his own words that cut like a knife. Not with the look on Troy’s face as he spilled his feelings out onto the dining room floor. Not with the burn of the alcohol from the whiskey he drank as he tried to swallow up the emotions that followed, and certainly not because he had to call his best friend, _ again_, to come pick him up because he couldn’t be seen leaving the place that had become so cruel. 

The radio’s on, but he’s not really listening, too caught up in his thoughts. Doesn’t stop him from drumming his fingers along the door panel, but it’s not to any beat. He’s not really aware of it until they’re right there, but he can sense that he’s almost to his apartment and _ no. _He can’t be alone there, not yet anyway. He looks over at DJ, stopping him just before he turns onto his street with a soft sound of disagreement before speaking up. 

“Do you… can you keep driving for a bit? Can’t, uh. I’d rather not go back to my apartment just yet.”

DJ glances over at him before nodding quickly. “Yeah, sure.” Doesn’t ask him where he wants to go, because DJ knows he doesn’t want to go to a specific place; he hates the nightlife. 

DJ keeps heading straight, and he doesn’t ask where he’s taking him. He doesn’t care, as long as it’s not home. The car’s silent once more, and he’s trying to keep his composure when DJ speaks up.

“Didn’t your mom tell you that your face will freeze like that if you don’t relax?” 

He’s thrown off guard by that and he laughs, though it’s pretty strained. “Thanks, dad.” He shifts then, willing his body to quit being so tense. 

“Just trying to help, Nolan.”

He can’t quite help the huff that falls from his lips, and he bites the inside of his mouth, not wanting to blow up at his friend. “Yeah.”

Of course, the conversation falls flat. _ Way to go, Nolan. _ He rubs his eyes again, frustrated at himself. Any Troy. And their stupid fucking _ not a relationship but what if we just quit pretending it was nothing?!! _relationship. 

A bitter laugh escapes his lips and DJ glances over at him, confused and more than a little worried. His shoulders drop then, and maybe he should’ve just gone home. At least there he wouldn’t have to hide his emotions. 

“It’s nothing.” He quickly tries to appease him, but the look he gets back tells him DJ doesn’t believe him for a second. 

“You sure?” 

DJ can’t exactly look at him as he drives but he does glance over a few times, patiently waiting for a response Nolan’s not sure he could give him. 

“Yeah, I am.”

He watches as DJ bites his lip before turning back to the road, and he’s grateful that he doesn’t pry, but it doesn’t help him either. He couldn’t really say anything even if he wanted to. He shifts again in his seat, looking out the window as his thoughts wander again, this time going back even further. 

How could he get himself in this mess? He _ knew _ better. For fuck’s sake, it’s not like Troy was ever actually available, even if you forgot about the fact that they were both professional baseball players. But he _ did _ anyways, caught a case of hero worship along with a stupid crush and Troy _ noticed. _Cornered him in a batting cage and asked him, and once Nolan got it out, rushed and panicked, what he got back in return was a mischievous smirk and smouldering kiss that sealed his stupid fucking fate. 

He was weak for him. 

After that, well. It was stolen kisses whenever they could find them. They’d sneak into each other’s hotel rooms, or go back to either of their apartments after a late game. Quietly, of course. Not like anyone could fucking know what was going on. 

And Nolan was fine with it. He had to be. Sure, he was walking a dangerous line into homewrecker territory but if that’s what he had to do to get what he wanted, well. He was _ so fucking weak for him_. What did he care if his own feelings got hurt?

And _ god _ did his feelings get hurt. Pretty damn quickly. He fell for him so goddamn fast and so goddamn _ hard_. And it’s not like he could tell Troy. It was the one fucking thing that they promised each other wouldn’t, _ couldn’t _ happen.

And every time Troy asked him how he was, he lied to his face. _ It’s cool, we’re cool. _He could’ve sworn each and every time that Troy saw right through him, but he never said anything. Maybe that’s what he wanted to happen in the first place. 

He’d be thrilled about that if he could actually _ have him. _ Not just just his body, but _ him. _It fucking killed him but he did everything he could for a year and a half to keep his mouth shut, to keep their secret. 

Until tonight of course. Thought it might finally be the right time to drop one single _ I love you _ after a kiss (after _ thousands_), but god forbid. Not when Troy acted like it was the worst goddamn thing in the world to hear. And then he had to make it worse. Couldn’t keep any of his feelings in anymore and _ yeah I love you I’ve always loved you and you can’t tell me you don’t love me back! _

Of course Troy didn’t fucking say much back but he didn’t have to, not with the blank look on his face. He eventually got a _ what? _ out of him, but even that said more than he needed to. And then, well… he doesn’t want to remember that but _ god he can’t lose him… _

He’s so lost in his thoughts that he almost misses DJ asking him if he wants to keep going or not. 

“Dude, you sure you’re okay? I just wanted to know if you wanted to go home or not.”

Nolan looks over at him and swallows hard, setting his jaw. “Yeah, I’m fine. You can take me home now.”

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://lemahieus.tumblr.com).


End file.
